An evening of self preservation; reading/studying and a couple of glasses of vino……

Ok, so as I am attempting to finish up my day at work (and a hella busy one it was!) I am looking forward to my “self preservation Wednesday”.

I used to look at Wednesdays as just a day without the step kids and husband (they have Scouts every Wednesday evening when School is in session), but I soon began to realize that this was the PERFECT time for a little undisturbed ME time. Like REAL me time. Not JUST sitting in my favorite chair, alone and enjoying the bliss of silence, but actually getting to do things that I simply don’t seem to do anymore!

Whether it is soaking in the tub, listening to MY favorite music, having a glass of wine, reading, studying, watching a couple of shows I have PVR’d two months ago and still not watched LOL Whatever it is….Wednesday is MY evening. I still come home, have the snuggle attack from the kids, have dinner and a catch up about school and what have you, then…then…they are GONE! 🙂

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my time with them all but I went from single, independent career woman who had everything she wanted and everything was in it’s place and pristine….to….well, a Smommy status. I now have a husband, two stepsons, two dogs, a cat and 3 aquariums. We reside in a “well-lived in” home….dust bunnies DO live in my house and they don’t pay rent! There are finger prints on everything, dog drool and fur on the furniture, I have lost many a favorite decorative piece to child play accidents, I can’t seem to lose the smell of dogs/cats either…and there is always some sort of spillage somewhere…not to mention clothes, laundry….kids bath toys that live in my special “relaxing” place….toothpaste on the floor…counter…sink…everywhere, pee pee on the toilet seats, my husbands nail clippings….yep, you name it, I got it. I am truly blessed eh? LOL

With all of the above said, I enjoy and need some me time, to feel like ME…like a human being again with some kind of self worth. (Not to be misconstrued with my worth to others, but MY worth). It’s not just the above to which, honestly, I think I have adjusted to pretty well, but it’s the ex. Without a doubt. She is the thorn in my side, the lava that rolls down from the volcano and destroys everything in it’s path….the disease that is infecting my life and if I don’t figure out an anti-virus/anti-venom for her wrath then she will eventually kill me, my husband and our life together. It is, unfortunately, THAT bad.

Soooo…..the time that I take for me (which is few and far between) is pivotal to my sanity and attempting to keep my stress levels down. I actually need more of it, and sometimes, I am aware that I probably jump on it like white on rice whenever I can….but I need to. I have to. For ME.

It’s hard to tell the people that you love that you simply need time away from them sometimes. Being a step-parent takes a LOT out of anyone. You HAVE to put time aside for you. If you can do that, you have a better chance of success. Sure, there will always be shit to deal with…that comes with the territory, but, you will be better prepared as an individual AND a couple, with less resentment.

Always remember to put yourself first….then your marriage/relationship. Everything with the kids will fall in line if you and your partner are on the same page and things are running smoothly. Remember that the kiddos have a Mother and a Father. You don’t NEED to have that pressure. You are already in their lives, you are an important adult to them but they are not your responsibility directly. Enjoy you, your marriage and your time with the kids WHEN they are with you. My suggestion is….the less contact you have with the “ex” the better. You will be much happier.

Tonight….I will finish up a module of my studying, pour a glass of Apothic Red and delve into the next Chapter of my book. Bliss….

~Enjoy~

Part I of my Home-Study ………………………..

Today I purchased the first leg of my journey to self discovery as a Step-Mom.

A five session/module to start me on my way to a better understanding of myself as a step-parent and defining myself mentally, emotionally and even physically within my family and relationship dynamic.

Stepmom Transformation: A home-study program by Jenna Korf

This is a comprehensive home-study program created to help you master skills essential to stepmom success.

“I did this program with my husband. We found the assignments so helpful that we filed them away because we want to do them yearly.” – Chrissy

How Does it Work?

You’ll receive a total of 5 modules with one module being emailed to you each week. This will prevent you from experiencing information overload and will provide you time to work through the exercises in each module. (If you’re an overachiever you can request to have all modules sent together ;))

This program will help you:

• Get clear on exactly what your role is – learn how to integrate into your step-family and when to step back.
• Learn how to protect yourself from unwanted behavior and deal with a high-conflict ex.
• Discover the importance of values in relationships and learn how to honor yours and your partner’s.
• Learn what’s likely going on in your partner’s mind, how to better communicate and resolve conflict with your partner.
• Start taking better care of yourself and honoring your needs, resulting in a stronger sense of self, a higher level of confidence and increased self-love – AKA a happier you!

What’s Included?

Each module contains valuable information, real-life examples and written exercises designed to help you resolve your issues, facilitate your growth and increase your personal power, resulting in a happier you.

“I gained a lot of tools from this program that I can use when my step-family situation challenges, that would otherwise be very difficult to get through. I feel guided to a better and happier me.” – Erica

Module 1: What is my role?

As you’ve probably guessed from the title, this module is designed to help you get clear on what your role as a stepmom is. It will help you figure out what you want that role to look like and ultimately how you want to show up for your stepchildren. It will also help you explore any beliefs that may be blocking you from being your authentic self.

Module 2: Boundaries

Tired of being treated like a doormat? Do you often agree to things that you’d rather say no to? Do you feel attacked by the ex-wife or disrespected by your step-kids? Boundaries help you protect yourself from unwanted behavior. They also teach others how to treat you.  In this module you’ll learn how to create and enforce healthy boundaries so you feel protected and empowered and overall happier than you’ve ever been.

Module 3: Values

When you’re not living in alignment with your personal values, internal (and external) conflict is inevitable. This module will help you clarify your values and teach you how to honor those values so you’re living a more satisfying life. This module will also provide you with tools to help you and your partner resolve conflict that was seemingly un-resolvable.

Module 4: Men and Communication

This module is full of tips on how to effectively communicate with men. It contains information on what your partner is likely experiencing as a divorced dad, the difference between men and women and how to use those differences to communicate with your partner in a way that will help you resolve conflict. This module is designed to help you get your needs met and better understand and appreciate your partner.

Module 5: Self Care

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: When you’re not feeling good about yourself, even the smallest of stressors can seem insurmountable. In this module, get ready to reconnect with your inner Goddess! This module is designed to help you understand why making yourself a priority is vital to becoming a happy stepmom. It will help you rediscover the best parts of yourself and give you the strength to move yourself to the top of the priority list – without feeling guilty!

A Day In The Life Of A BC Bonus Mom……..”A New Beginning”.

Hello everyone!

I am back after a few months away, due to personal reasons, and upon attempting to log into my blog “A Day In The Life Of A BC Bonus Mom”….I quickly realized that it was GONE. No longer available. My hard work, sweat, laughter, tears…had all been obliterated into the internet ether somewhere.

So, I find myself back and having to start all over from scratch, regaining my old contacts, finding all who I used to follow and support, so bare with me as I find my blogging feet again!

Nowadays, I am being found under “bcbonusmomblog” and I will be re-entering the world of Step-Families and not only looking for support but giving it on whatever levels I can. There will be posts on everything family related…kids….education….recipes….legal stuff….opinions….relationships as well as the constant struggle between bio parents and step parents. There simply does NOT appear to be much, if ANY support for step-moms…step-parents….in British Columbia at all. Now, I am not sure if I can or will change that but I am sure that I can endeavor to try.

I attempt to attend as many early childhood development workshops (psycho-educational) as well as step-parenting/step-family courses that I can annually, as well as having the day to day issues and drama that comes with being a stepmom coupled with first hand experience with an uncooperative co-parent with an evil streak. 🙂

For those of you that don’t know me, or don’t remember me, I am Nell and I am a Smommy to two wonderful young boys that entered my life 3 years ago now when I met the man who I would eventually marry. We did indeed marry a year after meeting and I officially got the name of “stepmom”….or evil stepmom as I have been so lovingly called…lol I have lived, worked and traveled overseas most of my life and have gained a plethora of life experience along the way. Although I now have a permanent base set up back home in BC Canada, my journey has not ended, it has simply taken a different road….and it is certainly a roller coaster ride!

So, join me! Follow me as I start the next chapter….share and care with flare!!

Nell xo