It was a nice weekend, I was looking forward to some serious down time at home as I’ve been struggling a lot lately with things, and health. It was nice to think of a weekend without the kids and just for the two of us, however, things never turn out the way you think. (…of course!)
We both were tired and grumpy …. on edge. Could have been the weather, could have been just the week’s circumstances. Who knows, but it certainly wasn’t as enjoyable as it could have been. Me? I was suffering with pain as I put my back out early last week, that on top of (bigger than normal) feelings of despise towards BM for more than one reason, and my husbands way of dealing with her. Just set me off this weekend….I also admit to feeling “less than a woman”. Not completely sure why, but I did.
I usually have nothing TOO much to say with regard to BM unless it directly effects me or our time with the kids, however, this weekend I felt AWFUL. I was angry, frustrated. I felt belittled and worthless….and for once it wasn’t DIRECTLY her fault. It was mine. 😦
Ok, so “fault” is a strong description, but on this occasion I was fully responsible for my own feelings that were utterly gut wrenching.
I can ALWAYS admit when BM has ACTUALLY done something right with regard to the kids, and although I don’t feel that she gives them what they always need PERSONALLY (time wise etc.) she has raised them to be polite and generally well behaved little beings. I give credit where it’s due.
This year, BM decided to MAKE the kids Halloween costumes. I had NO problem admitting how great they were. They were! But this weekend…getting all the pictures, the videos, seeing the praise etc that she received from EVERYONE and seeing her post how she was “Such a Super Mommy” on social media somehow, it kicked me in the gut. HARD.
I KNOW I am not a bio Mom….I am the first to admit it and tell everyone else that. I try to distance myself in order to NOT be a threat to her and to not put the children in a position where they feel they have to choose OR that they are choosing me over their Mother, but this weekend I felt hurt.
Was it jealousy? Due to the fact that she did so well…for once? Was it due to the fact that she HAD the kids and we didn’t? That we didn’t see them? Was it due to the fact that I honestly wish that “we” were all in a position where I could ACTUALLY tell her that I thought she did an awesome job? I think if I am being true to me…it’s all of the above.
I felt like less than the woman that I am.
My husband was very impressed with the costumes. Which of course stung a little…ok…it stung a lot. Even though I agree with him, it hurt. They communicate often, which is good, but this weekend it hurt more than it normally does.
They aren’t my responsibility, they aren’t my babies….but I felt left out.
We were not in the mood for Halloween this year at all, which is not like us. We closed up house. No decor, no trick or treats, no dressing up….and I feel in SOME way it was as we didn’t have the kids. We missed it. We missed out on the fun….the laughter.
I always feel “less than” when we can’t provide as much financially as we would like to, however, it hurts me when she can afford to make AMAZING…seriously OTT….costumes and buy back-ups and we squeezed the kiddos into their costumes from last year for their midweek Halloween party at Beaver Scouts.To find out also that she made goody bags for the kids mainstream school class, their Saturday school class as well as offered to give us some for Beaver Scouts TRULY makes me wonder how “little” she has $$$-wise. I am constantly dumbfounded.
The courts seem to be blind to all of this. They seem to think that it is A-OK for the BM to get spousal support, child support, every benefit for her and the children (the Dad gets nothing) under the sun AND she has a new man take care of her every whim and WE are the ones that live pay cheque to pay cheque. We get yelled at for not being ABLE to contribute to more this and more of that.
It’s unreal our justice system.
However….I digress. Ahead lies another week….hopefully a better one than the last.